Hash House Harriers

a drinking club with a running problem

Hash Trash

Missed a hash? Catch up on all the trash here...

| #BestTrail #WorstTrail #LastTrail #TrashTrail | Leftover Trash | Light Side/Dark Side Hash | Basic Trail | A very spoopy Halloweekend hash |

#BestTrail #WorstTrail #LastTrail #TrashTrail (6 months ago)
Now that I've had a full week to reflect on the last/worst/best trail of 2018, here's a hash trash!

What: #besttrail #worsttrail #lasttrail
Hares: Wiki and Marbles
Bag car: Blondie
Pack: Bottom Wrangler, Testicular Mechanics, Master Gator, Tinder Dick, Waxxx Off, Mr. Bean, Just Sarah, Just Lindsey

On my way to the prelube (Lower Depths), the hare texted me to let me know that he and bag car were running late, and to please start collecting hash cash. This turned out to be an easy ask, since when I arrived at the Depths at 2:25, I was literally the only person there. I collected my own hash cash and waited for other people to show up.

Eventually, others began trickling in. Finally, when we had given up all hope, the hares and bag car showed up. (They all blamed each other for being late, so idk, pick one of them at random and assume it's their fault). 


We halfheartedly attempted a chalk talk, but it was chilly in the shade and everyone knew more or less what was going on anyway, so we quickly said "fuck it" and headed out.

The first leg of trail, which Wiki definitely real-life scouted and did *not* google scout, took us through various construction sites in the Fenway area. It was notable for being a rare trail that actually goes in 369 degrees, as there was one point where we had to climb a ladder to continue on trail. Wiki later expressed that he had thought about tricking us by pushing the ladder over (so that it would be lying on the ground when we got there instead of leaning against the wall), which I guess he thought we would struggle to figure out...? Though we *are* half-minds so I guess I can't blame him.

Eventually, we ended up at the first beer check, which was in Muddy River Park. As we've come to be accustomed to on Wiki and/or Buttler trails, there was Trillium interspersed in the beer cooler, as well as some other ~lesser beers~.


The second leg of trail started immediately with a turkey/eagle split. Eagle continued across a bridge, while Turkey was a CB 11 or some large, scary number like that. Not wanting to retrace our steps quite that far, literally everyone except Testicular Mechanics decided to take the Eagle. If you have hashed with TM, you might be surprised to see his name in this context -- it turned out later that he thought it was a Tough/Easy split (and thus thought he was taking Tough), but also, this was his first time being alone on trail and he rather enjoyed it. So there you have it -- Testicular Mechanics would rather run trail alone than with any of us.

We Eagles wound our way through Northeastern/the Symphony area; marks were fairly hard to see and rather spread out, so it was slow going, until we got totally stymied at an intersection. From there, we descended into pandemonium... everyone was scouting every direction, and no one knew where anyone else was, and the pack kept diminishing as people independently found trail but the rest of us didn't know which way they had gone. 

Mr. Bean and I finally figured out where everyone else had gone (coldly leaving Master Gator behind us, since he was nowhere in sight) and followed trail to the shot check, where we found that the hares were about to come back to look for us. We enjoyed some boozy hot chocolate before heading out to find out way to the ~super secret on in~.


Perhaps sensing that he had toyed with our hearts enough, the hare led us directly to Machine, which apparently is not closed after all??? We were basically the only ones in there and there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the prices the bartender was charging us for pitchers (but in the good way - one was on the house, one was $3, etc.).  

Marbles and Blondie, who are apparently much more popular than the rest of us, left before circle to go to another social obligation, so we selected several proxies for them (Master Gator and Tinder Dick, because they were "lookalikes" apparently -- in our defense, we had been drinking) and proceeded with circle. It's been like a whole week, so I have no clue what we accused people of, but there were some of those. Rainbow and Mangia both showed up. We got pizza from Dominos, which we made short work of; following circle, we hung out and critiqued each other's dating app profiles. Aaaaand that was pretty much it!


Leftover Trash (6 months ago)
What: The Leftovers Hash
Hares: Shits n Ladders and Testicular Mechanics
Bag Car: Twat My Mom
Pack: Fellowship of the Cock Ring, Luva Lamp, Yellow Dick Gnome, Lumberjackoff, a Just, two visitors AND THAT WAS IT

I got to Summer Shack after the very prompt hares had already left, so I immediately called 6.9 minutes to get this shit show on the road. I didn't recognize half the pack, which seemed worrisome. Two r*cist hares and a pack that's nearly half visitors/justs? WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG??

What went wrong aka I swear I scouted that way already:
After the finest chalk talk I've ever given, we started looking for trail, which immediately went through Alewife station. We wandered through some parks and around the ugly high-rise apartments, along Alewife Brook Parkway to a count back that took us down to a parking lot and then towards a maze of old industrial buildings and abandoned parking lots. We came across a hash sitapede that I decided to ignore. From there, there were about as many marks as there were hashers in pack, which is to say not many. We ran in circles for a while until Luva decided to zen towards where there was a possible beer check location. Low and behold, the hares were there, freezing their asses off. It's the least they could suffer for what they put us through.

Some park next to a small pond. We drank beer. It was nice. Hares laid a giant check right in front of us as they left. Why?? We can see which way they went!

Marks, glorious marks!
Turns out, our tricksy hares had pre-laid trail going a different way then they left. So clever, but not more clever than our visitor, who immediately figured out their game and led us in the correct direction. The hares took our admonishment to "be more generous with marks" to heart, but we still managed to miss a check and started trespassing in some dude's back yard, trying to find a way through his fence. He kindly did not call the cops on us, and we found the actual trail, eventually ending up at a shot check with some vaguely cucumber-flavored hatorade. We drank it down and continued on our way right back to the parking lots we had been lost in on the first leg of trail. I got separated from pack, but Fellowship rescued me. Turns out I didn't miss much, because they were doing laps around a Burger King. Trail led to Fresh Pond and a second hatorade check, this one an uninviting shade of yellow-brown. We drank that one too, and ran on until we found beer check 2.

Park. Beer. Darkness.

It's a hare snare if I say it's a hare snare:
Trail went on to Danehy Park, aka the park built on top of an old land fill. I kept finding trail and feeling pretty good about myself when I came across the hares. Turns out, they ran out of flour tantalizingly close to where we'd be back on pavement, but were kind enough to wait for pack so they could direct us which way to go. I still count that as a hare snare. I waited for pack to catch up with me, which took FOREVER because apparently everyone decided now was the time for a leisurely stroll in the park. Why? THERE'S BEER AT THE END, PEOPLE! 

We ended at everyone's favorite shitty west Cambridge dive bar, Paddy's Lunch. There were accusations, including visitors, transplants, hare snares, and some other stuff. We found out why everyone was a Leftover, which mostly came down to being too cheap to go skiing or go to Chicago. Shits decided to sing a verse song every time I called on him for a note, which apparently he does to torment me. After circle was over, the visitor convinced some of us to hang out after circle since her dad was watching some sporting event and wouldn't pick her up until it was done. We continued drinking more than was strictly necessary for a Sunday night.

1/11: Holiday party. There's a theme or something
1/12 (probably): January taco. All tacos and burritos with a bag-car token are welcome to attend. Brunch run starting and ending at Casa de Gnome
1/19: Ballbuster Lasagna-off trail
1/27: Robbie Burns trail (scotch, haggis, regrets)

Light Side/Dark Side Hash (6 months ago)
What: Light Side/Dark Side Hash
Hares: Sex: The Final Frontier and Tinder Dick (virgin lay)
Bag car: Clits n Chips n Clits n Chips
Pack: Shits n Ladders, Fellowship of the Cock Ring, Knuckles Deep, Falmon, Po-po Peepshow, Quarter Mile Queer, Bottom Wrangler, Just Mihaela, Waxxx Off

Pack arrived at the start epitomizing the theme of the trail. I was feeling tired from my l*ng r*n earlier that morning, and most everyone else was feeling hung over from Hong Kongukah and other assorted festivities. We were a sad and bedraggled crew.

Leg 1: The light side, I guess

Perhaps sensing our distress, the hares laid a very short first leg of trail, though we still managed to fuck it up (by doubting Famine's zenning skills). We went down some side streets, across a literal sheet of ice, and up a hill, finding ourselves at the first beer check at the top of Summit Hill (an important ceremonial location for the r*cist group that calls itself "November Project," I am told).

Leg 2: It's dark from here on out

After that first beer check, it was No More Mr. Nice Hares. Trail went down one side of Summit to CB22, with a couple shot checks laid along the way - we amassed some haterade and some jello slices. We somehow managed to miscount and get ourselves confused again, but eventually figured out that trail went down the other side of Summit, where we found another two or three shot checks, each with a couple bottles of shots plus some nips. I am not exaggerating when I say we had more full-size shots than the number of people on pack. We did not drink them all, instead agreeing to save some for the hares when and if we ever got to the end.

We crossed Comm Ave (right past the apartment where I lived when I started hashing! awwww, memories), straggled on over further into Allston (holding our breath for news of an on-in at the Sil - but alas, it was not to be), and got to beer check #2, which was at some little playground in Allston.

Leg 3: The very dark (and cold) side

It was getting dark and very cold. Memorable moments of this leg of trail included:
- getting in a verbal altercation with some dude in a car (he was totally the asshole, btw)
- running through Harvard Stadium, another location with religious significance to the peoples of the November Project group
- whining a lot about the cold

...was somewhere just outside Harvard Stadium, where Harvard security drove by us about a million times but apparently decided anyone stupid enough to be out in the dark and the cold was probably too stupid to do any harm to the property.

We had been warned that circle would be outdoors but, in true hashmanlike fashion, were still inadequately prepared. We did some lackluster accusations -- including making the hares drink some of their shots, of which we still had like six. However, we quickly gave up and disbanded circle before the pizza arrived in a poorly conceived effort to find an indoor place with beer. Naturally, we apparently hadn't checked where bag car was before doing so, and she pulled up with pizza just as we left. We stuffed our faces with some pizza, ducked into a Starbucks to warm up, and then the stupidest among us headed toward the Hong Kong for the final night of """"gentle rage.""""

12/13 (maybe) - PT2H3, hared by Disco
12/14-16 - Antibuffett/Anthrax!
12/16 - Leftovers hash


Basic Trail (7 months ago)
What: The Basic Trail
Who: WIkipediaphilia, Udder Whore, and Virgin (Just?) JJ.
Bag car: No Man
Pack: Sex: The Final Frontier. Orgasm Falmon, Sketchy Ho, 5 Inch Penalty, Dribbles, Sketchy Ho, Pop Cum Ear I'm Infected, The Buttler Hit It, Goat Throat (Kind of but not), Yellow Dick Gnome, Shits 'N Ladders, Shart of Darkness, Po Po Peepshow, Whore's Box, Testicular Mechanics, Oboener, Luva Lamp, Sketchy Ho.
Leg #1: Noticing that we had no unnamed hashers on trail, Gnome elected to forego chalk talk and we simply looked for trail. After spiralling around Harvard Square, we did stumble our way to Song Check directly in front of a Harvard security guard. I waited around for pack and the guard asked me if *we* had put the sign of an S with a circle on it in this colored flour as a means to show that something started there.
"Um... no. We definitely did not ....[under breath] start here."
Gnome lead in a rousing verse of "Them them f*ck them", as appropriate.
A few of us went into a lot behind an apartment complex for a Sitapeed before veto-ing and figuring most of pack had skipped it, knowing the lot's only exit and hashing smarter not harder. We found Wiki and his four-legged far more intelligent and less likely to fuck up a song co-hare holding a delicious pumpkin spiced basic latte for us, before begging for more time because apparently his Clydesdale of a dog isn't very fast.
We c*m upon BC1 in Sacramento Field.
Leg #2: We leaped away and through a playground and followed trail to Corcoran Field for BC2. There was a lovely display in which Wiki pranced through the field with Virgin Cohare. Wiki warned us: (1) trail would be approx. 6.9 more miles and (2) there was a shot check to be had, so as to deter us from zenning to Paddy's Lunch.
As pack craniumed out, some, figuring the hare for a liar, ignore the SC prognostication and zenned straight. The sturdy and valiant true among us ran trail only to be punished for our efforts with a CBX, with legibility falling into such question as to make this an underdetermined algebraic system. After much thoughtful discussion, pack decided it was definitely either CB2, CB3, CB5, or CBb and trying all such variations until trail was solved. (Hare later revealed CB6 was intended.) We located the aforepromised shot that Sav-Mor liquors would call "pumpkin shit" before proceeding to Paddy's.
Circle: Hares were called in for being shitty hares. The virgin hare received much passive aggressive abuse from the hash in choice of song lyrics. Backsliders, overachievers, and hares were called in, and hares were called in again. We swung low and had pizza that we all agreed was as good as the trail was bad.

A very spoopy Halloweekend hash (8 months ago)
What: A very spoopy Halloweekend hash
Hares: Buttler and ghost
Bag car: Also ghost
Pack: Sex: The Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, O'Boner, Just Django, Cuntcussion, Fellowship of the Cock Ring, PoPo Peepshow, Bottom Wrangler, Testicular Mechanics, Waxxx Off, Whores Box, Friar Fuck, Just Joshua, and a surprise appearance by Not Dead Yet

I got to Davis late and immediately crossed paths with Buttler, who was gimping around the street with his cane, laying marks. I believe this to be a new record for the earliest Buttler has been gay at one of his own trails. All I'm saying is, the fact that he has to use a cane isn't all bad.

When I got to Sligo, I was immediately greeted by the sight of STFF in full r*cist regalia from the race he'd run that morning, including a bib and finisher's medal. He told me that Whore's Box -- who had also run the race that morning -- had suggested that they wear their hardware to the hash; however, it turned out to be a long con, as she showed up in normal non-r*cist attire.

Before long, we finished our beers and headed to chalk talk in a parking lot near Sligo -- a location that was about to become intimately familiar to us. We shared our names and our ideas for the spookiest hash (answers I remember: being on a Wiki trail, being on a trail with Bottom Wrangler, a trail that doesn't cure your hangover, being put on the spot in chalk talk and not having an answer ready). Shits also told us that Buttler had warmed him that there would be an unusual mark, but Shits couldn't remember what the mark actually was or how it worked. Awesome! Well prepared as always, we began trail.

We did the monster mash
Trail looped through Davis and back around the block, ending up with us almost exactly where we had started, but with the addition of a big bag of wine right across the street from the Discodome. We yelled in the general direction of Disco's window until she came out to join us, carrying a mug of tea. I swear I don't even know who she is any more.

Given the small size of pack and the large size of the baggo, our progress was very slow. Eventually the parents in the playground immediately next to us started giving us side-eye, so we thought it best to move on. We stashed the rest of the baggo in bag car -- which hadn't moved -- and then followed the true trail mark across the street. 

We ran through the side streets around Davis, admiring the houses that had actually put effort into their Halloween decorations, when we happened upon a slightly drunk Not Dead Yet taking clean laundry out of her car! She was wearing flats and had been planning on getting food to offset her drunkenness, but we were able to talk her out of that practical decision almost immediately, and she joined us on trail.

We continued meandering through the streets, stopping for a view check in front of what used to be the house Easy had lived in, though now it's just a big hole in the ground. There was a smart/stupid that directed us underground through the Davis station or aboveground through the square; after a quick journey on to the bikeway, we took a couple rights and suddenly found ourselves back in the parking lot where we had started for the first beer check.

It was a graveyard smash
We again yelled for Disco and, again, she came out and joined us. We drank cold beer and speculated about whether all of the beer checks on trail would be in the same parking lot. Buttler hobbled off again, and we speculated on whether we would be doing him a favor if we snared him and then took over laying trail for him.

After we did damage to the beer and the giant baggo, we craniumed out on a scenic tour through Somerville, including a view check for the largest tree in Somerville ("big wood," as someone so cleverly quipped).

Trail took us back to the Alewife bikeway, where we found the mark that Shits had forgotten to explain to us: an eagle/false split. The bikeway was fenced off for construction, and eagle trail continued over the fence and beyond, speculating wonder as to how our crippled hare was able to lay it. As a less-than-proficient fence jumper, I turned around and headed back to the nearest check. We soon met up with the eagles and then with the hare, for a second beer check next to the bikeway in a construction zone.

At the beer check, we proceeded to make the dumbest possible decisions; after several harriettes (YHS included) squeezed through a gap in the chained fence to find a corner to pee in, O'Boner marched up to the fence and showed us that the chain was not actually fastened to anything, and that the gate could be readily opened. Some other smartass pointed out that there was a port-a-potty just down the street. But as Wiki will tell you, I never pee in a port-a-potty when there's a dumpster nearby, so #noragrets.

It caught on in a flash
We were completely clueless and bewildered as to where trail could end. Just kidding; it went to the Buttler pad. 

We circled in Buttler's backyard/Django's bathroom, trying not to wonder too much about whether *all* of the brown stuff getting on our shoes was just mud. We fucked up several songs and changed some songs to other songs halfway through. We accused the r*cists in our midst of being r*cist, gave an honor down-down to NDY for joining us mid-trail, accused everyone who's ever had a boner (or a lady-boner) at trail (I am not sure why, but it made sense at the time), accused anyone who didn't wear a costume to a Halloweekend trail, and other stuff that I forget. We attempted to put the baggo out of its misery but, despite a lot of heavy lifting by Shits, were not successful.

Then, after failed attempts to cut hash religion short, we adjourned to go inside the house, where we watched pizza porn (why? I don't know!) and Buttler made us steak tips and potatoes. All in all, it was a successful hash.