Boston
Hash House Harriers

a drinking club with a running problem

Hash Trash

Missed a hash? Catch up on all the trash here...

| Tom Cruise Hash | The Tom Cruise Hash | Daylight Moon Hash | AGM Fatboy | AGM 2009 aka Assholes on Ice |

Tom Cruise Hash (almost 9 years ago)
Hare: Gay Pride!Spontaneous Hare: BBAG
Bag Car: Floppy D*ck
RA: Jack

Pack: Taj My Hole, Just Heather, I Eat Teabags, Vagitarian, Dribbles, Show Me The Hole, Pat My Fly,The Butler Hit It, Brigham Tongue, Necrophiliac Jack, Sugar Plum Fairy, Just Jason, Just Zeke, Just Ellen and her Virgin, Just Jenny, Just Katie, Willy Wonka and the Back Door Factory, Peppermint P*ssy, and myself (Dude Where's My Virginity.) We unsuccessfully tried to recruit some famous people to be spontaneous virgins without luck (details below.)

Sorry, I probably forgot several people, I didn't write down names as I did not expect to scribe. However, given the awesomeness of the trail I have to do a short write-up!

Trail started at John Harvard's Brewhouse in Harvard Square. Note to newbies, there is a great place in Harvard Square called Whitney's where they have good cheap beer and the bartender is cool. Most of the staff apparently was decent at John Harvard's but the bartender was awful.

We ran in circles around and through Harvard and Harvard Square. We ran by BBAG's favorite building. We ended up in Cambridgeport where apparently the hares had a falling out and each set their own trail. Eventually, after about 3 miles we ended up at a beer check along the river. It was a nice location but the beer was warm and there was no water (it had gotten sunny and warm by now.) Good weather to hash!

The hares made out, I mean made up, and were off. Pack enjoyed the sun and Vagitarian going shirtless! As pack headed away, several of us noticed bag car was nowhere to be found and had not asked anyone to clean up. Vagitarian, Just Heather and I went back to clean up. Pat My Fly had gotten most of the cans together and we helped dispose of them. We also found about 10 leftover beers! Alcohol abuse! Since we are bad*ss, we decided to carry them on trail. And it was a good thing we did!

Just Heather took the lead as we ran along Memorial Drive. A pack of runners approached us. Just Heather grabbed a beer and tried to give it to the hot guy at the front of the pack. He gave us an award-winning smile and said (and I quote) "No Thank You." His quite attractive wife smiled at us. The body guards gaped. I stopped short and yelled, "HEATHER, DO YOU REALIZE YOU JUST OFFERED TOM CRUISE A BEER!?!?!?! And that was Katie Holmes right behind him!!!"

We laughed, screamed, and Vag ran back after them. The bodyguards waved her away. She yelled "Tom I love you and want to have your baby!" We celebrated by shotgunning beers on Mem Drive. We called the pack to see where they were since we were hopelessly behind and couldn't find any marks.

To make a long run short, we met up with the pack at MIT where BBAG led the group to a free concert (Mission of Burma.) The leftover warm beers came in handy for the lucky few who drank behind a sculpture so the cops wouldn't see them. The music was good but we didn't stay long because we all had dangerously low blood alcohol levels.

We then ran to Courtside. Some people allege that trail was 10 miles. I say 7-8. At that point there's not much difference. Circle was short. The virgin was demented (nice demo with Just Ellen of reverse doggy-style.) Two transplants were introduced (Just Jason from NY and Just Zeke from RI.) Pizza was eaten. Beer was enjoyed. Tom Cruise was discussed. Yes, he is pretty short!

-Dude Where's My Virginity (one time only scribe so I can tell you how awesome Just Heather is, and she really needs a name.)
The Tom Cruise Hash (almost 9 years ago)
Hare: Gay Pride!Spontaneous Hare: BBAG
Bag Car: Floppy D*ck
RA: Jack

Pack: Taj My Hole, Just Heather, I Eat Teabags, Vagitarian, Dribbles, Show Me The Hole, Pat My Fly,The Butler Hit It, Brigham Tongue, Necrophiliac Jack, Sugar Plum Fairy, Just Jason, Just Zeke, Just Ellen and her Virgin, Just Jenny, Just Katie, Willy Wonka and the Back Door Factory, Peppermint P*ssy, and myself (Dude Where's My Virginity.) We unsuccessfully tried to recruit some famous people to be spontaneous virgins without luck (details below.)

Sorry, I probably forgot several people, I didn't write down names as I did not expect to scribe. However, given the awesomeness of the trail I have to do a short write-up!

Trail started at John Harvard's Brewhouse in Harvard Square. Note to newbies, there is a great place in Harvard Square called Whitney's where they have good cheap beer and the bartender is cool. Most of the staff apparently was decent at John Harvard's but the bartender was awful.

We ran in circles around and through Harvard and Harvard Square. We ran by BBAG's favorite building. We ended up in Cambridgeport where apparently the hares had a falling out and each set their own trail. Eventually, after about 3 miles we ended up at a beer check along the river. It was a nice location but the beer was warm and there was no water (it had gotten sunny and warm by now.) Good weather to hash!

The hares made out, I mean made up, and were off. Pack enjoyed the sun and Vagitarian going shirtless! As pack headed away, several of us noticed bag car was nowhere to be found and had not asked anyone to clean up. Vagitarian, Just Heather and I went back to clean up. Pat My Fly had gotten most of the cans together and we helped dispose of them. We also found about 10 leftover beers! Alcohol abuse! Since we are bad*ss, we decided to carry them on trail. And it was a good thing we did!

Just Heather took the lead as we ran along Memorial Drive. A pack of runners approached us. Just Heather grabbed a beer and tried to give it to the hot guy at the front of the pack. He gave us an award-winning smile and said (and I quote) "No Thank You." His quite attractive wife smiled at us. The bodyguards gaped. I stopped short and yelled, "HEATHER, DO YOU REALIZE YOU JUST OFFERED TOM CRUISE A BEER!?!?!?! And that was Katie Holmes right behind him!!!"

We laughed, screamed, and Vag ran back after them. The bodyguards waved her away. She yelled "Tom I love you and want to have your baby!" We celebrated by shotgunning beers on Mem Drive. We called the pack to see where they were since we were hopelessly behind and couldn't find any marks.

To make a long run short, we met up with the pack at MIT where BBAG led the group to a free concert (Mission of Burma.) The leftover warm beers came in handy for the lucky few who drank behind a sculpture so the cops wouldn't see them. The music was good but we didn't stay long because we all had dangerously low blood alcohol levels.

We then ran to Courtside. Some people allege that trail was 10 miles. I say 7-8. At that point there's not much difference. Circle was short. The virgin was demented (nice demo with Just Ellen of reverse doggy-style.) Two transplants were introduced (Just Jason from NY and Just Zeke from RI.) Pizza was eaten. Beer was enjoyed. Tom Cruise was discussed. Yes, he is pretty short!

-Dude Where's My Virginity (one time only scribe so I can tell you how awesome Just Heather is, and she really needs a name.)
Daylight Moon Hash (almost 9 years ago)
Moon hash apparently doesn't have a scribe, but that doesn't mean there's not trash to be aired, so I figured I'd volunteer, starting as far back as memory (kind of) serves. Until I decide not to. Or get replaced. Or, you know, move to Africa.

Hare: Goes Down on Buoys (Sp*rm Dumpster)
Bag Car: The Buttler Hit It (Cocksmith)
RA: Puff'n'Stuff
Pack: Hare Club, High An*s, Goat Throat, Bend Over Mommy, Just Sager (Saskapoon), Brigham Tongue (Bloody P*ssy), Stick It To The Bros, Peppermint P*ssy
Latecummer: Wang Chunks
Pre-lube: MJ O'Connors in Boston
Weather: Drizzly and cold

Not only was this a full moon hash without a moon, but it was a Cajun trail. This was all very novel and exciting, but the excitement wore off when the pack got lost within the first 5 minutes. Actually, it was more like the first 2 minutes. We found the first few marks just fine, then spent 15 minutes trying to find trail. Apparently a yellow "X" was a mark (silly us, we assumed chalk marks would all be arrows, albeit not necessarily pointing in the correct direction, and that "X" meant false. Apparently not).

Trail went through the Boston Common, and on past BBAG's place (where, sadly, there was not a beer check). Goat Throat proved to have a knack for finding the deviously-hidden marks, which were on things like trees, and underneath scaffolding in the shadows… unfortunately by the time we got back to near the
Common, Goat's luck deserted him. Someone went running off to the north while the rest of us looked by the Common, in the graveyard, up and down both sides of every road … well, except the road trail went down, where the mark was cleverly hidden behind a dumpster. Nice.

We then ran through the seating area of a restaurant called Marylianes advertising $1 oysters between 4 and 6pm (the things I notice…) and then pretty quickly got lost again. Around this point the pack lost trail again. Mommy reported that someone had called the hash hotline, and the beer check was under the bridge by the Barking Crab. So, we all proceeded directly there, confusing the hare and bag car who were expecting us to come from the other direction.

At this point, Peppermint P*ssy showed up, having run at least part of the first trail. Not sure what her excuse was, something about work? Or something? The pack encouraged the hare to be less sneaky by half with the marks, so we had a prayer of finding them. Once we got a little bit cold the hare headed out and pack was away!

Trail wound through Seaport and after about 5 minutes (we could actually find the marks on this half of trail), the pack got a serious case of déjà vu as the trail was almost exactly identical to AGM the week before: running through a parking lot, then by the Seaport hotel, but this time rather than up steps by the seaport we ran upstairs in a bus station.

Heading towards the convention center I was far in front of the pack. Having found a check I headed off to scout trail and somehow managed to fall down while running at high speed. The pavement was uneven, or that's my story and I'm sticking to it. No one witnessed this epic hash crash, but the evidence was quite apparent (and it still hurt like a b*tch the next week when I was scouting trail, OW!). From this point forward trail was almost identical to the AGM trail, including the long deathmarch near where the BC was at AGM. This time, the pack got lost (surprised?) very near the on-in and spent a little while looking for trail in a parking lot, down some railroad tracks, etc., and in the likely direction of the all the bars in Southie until I think Hare Club zenned or saw the hare/FRB/bag car at the on-in location, which was an abandoned lot, and led us there forthwith.

So we had something like 300 Natty Ice and Natty Lites for 11 people, and we decided to do the best we could to drink all of the beers. After we had drunk about half the beers, Wang Chunks decided to show up to help us with the other half. Apparently he had nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon.

We had some moon hash namings! Starting with me, because of my aforementioned accident. Between the road rash and stories of my kitten who likes to jump onto my shoulders via the skin of my back, I was renamed Bloody P*ssy. That took about 2 minutes and was really the only decent suggestion.

Goes Down on Buoys was, after much back-and-forth, renamed Sp*rm Dumpster. I'm not sure why. But he seems to hate the name, which means it's a good name.

Just Sager (who STILL doesn't have a Boston hash name … seriously, people!) was christened Saskapoon, I guess because North Dakota where he is from is somewhat close to Saskatchewan. I don't know. But it was better than the other names, which I don't remember.

Finally, The Buttler Hit It was renamed Cocksmith due to an high school incident involving duplicating keys, and NOT GETTING AWAY WITH IT.

This lot must serve as an ad hoc dog park, because at some point during circle this beautiful dog came to visit us with its owners. Also, there was a party going on under a tent about a half a block away. People sounded like they were having a good time, and at one point I could have sworn I heard "On-on!" coming from under the tent but I must have been hearing things.

I don't really remember too much about the rest of circle thanks to the quantity of beer, and something about "when one p*ssy drinks, all p*ssies drink." Also, Cocksmith's attempt at new lyrics to When It's Hog Calling Time in Nebraska did not go over so well. Eventually we actually finished the beer, ended circle, and headed to Cornerstone Pub for on-after. I don't remember too much about that either, except I was told that Goat Throat stole a plate of chicken wings from a child. That doesn't seem like it could possibly be quite right, but there it is folks.

After the on-after, Buttler jokingly asked if we should crash the tent party. Emboldened by alcohol, I proceeded to do just that. Surprisingly, the partygoers were very welcoming and shared their beer until it ran out (but they went to go get more, so all was well). We entertained them with stories of hashing, and I did a solo rendition of Yogi, much to their bemusement. I don't remember very much else (surprised?).

- Bloody P*ssy (aka Brigham Tongue)
AGM Fatboy (almost 9 years ago)
Good Evening one and all! And greetings from a very warm and happy place that is the post AGM weekend h*sh trashing. If you want to know what happened at AGM you should have been there, or you should pester your other new scribe: Sugar Plum Fairy! I got nothing on that one. What I do have is the valiant tale of a few brave h*shers who braved the rain and wrath of new GM’s. Yes, what I have for you now is the tale of the Post-AGM, Hungover, Fat-Boy Trail.

Pre-lube: Doyle’s
Hares: Our new GM’s: Bend Over Mommy and High Anus
Bag Car: Goat Throat
Virgins: Nope. Only used up ol’ H*shers here.

Pack: The Buttler Hit It, Peppermint P#ssy, Jamaican Me Cum, Cocktologist, Pat My Fly, Maid of Honor, and last but not least, one of our new favorite h*shers Just Jean….keep reading to find out more!!!

My morning started off stupidly early to do Hub on Wheels. It was wet and they gave us schwag for riding bikes around Boston. But who effing cares? I got home and Jamaican reminded my dumb arse that the h*sh started at 1. Davis and Forest Hills are not that close together. I ran out the door and hopped on the T. I dashed into the bar at 1:15 expecting to find pack away and a hunt for trail in front of me.

But no. MOH is an ignorant “baby-h*sher” (thanks for reminding me of that several times at MJ h*sh Fisty) and in fact this was a fat boy h*sh. A beautiful time when h*shers slow down, get fat, and do a very relaxed version of our normal shenanigans.

I moved into Doyle’s and found a small, but dedicated group of h*shers drinking their first round and looking at the menus. Then we got ourselves the back room and proceeded to order up a great brunch and booze. Many of us paid homage to our roots and got big steaming plates of h*sh. It is delicious and you all should do this. All the food any of us were unwilling to eat, Buttler found a place for. IN HIS BELLY! I tried to figure out what drink to order to go next to my coffee, but then found I can get it IN my coffee. Terrific way to start.

Hares were away somewhere after 2:00. Pack was away shortly there-after. Goat Throat let us all know that there were marks and that we should follow them. So we did, at a very brisk walk. Wouldn’t want to spoil the digesting of a fine h*sh!

Very soon we came to our first be3r check. There was High Life and a giant spider that had a thing for Goat and Buttler. We told stories. We noted stories from Just Jean.

Hares Away….5 minutes later and Pack Away!

Still at a brisk saunter, except for Peppermint who ran off deciding she needed to stretch her legs. Moments later we were treated to another be3r check! Here the wise new GM’s served us healthy doses of Be3rmosas. Truly brilliant creation using the champagne of be3rs and OJ. Quite tasty.

Hares Away….3 minutes later and Pack Away!

Peppermint runs off followed by the shambling mass of h*shers. And Lo and Behold! What did we see? Doyle’s! The deja-vu On-In. And here is a handy map of our harrowing journey.

We returned to our back room table and sat back in our still-warm seats. We were well be3red and started circle (at the table.) Everyone had their turn at this Circle.
  • GM’s High Anus and Bend Over Mommy drank for their sh!tty trail
  • Cocktologist drank for being a backslider (claims he has a job)
  • Just Jean drank for having special needs when she claimed she couldn’t drink our fine be3rmosas as she has “citrus allergies”
  • Pat My Fly for not realizing he was drinking booze in his be3rmosa
  • Overachievers: Peppermint P#ssy, Just Jean, and the Maid of Honor
  • The Buttler Hit It for being boring
  • And Goat Throat for setting off his car alarm at a be3r check and drawing the attention of small children… which he claims he is usually very good at sneaking up on.
  • A few accusations were tossed around and then the H*sh went in pieces.
  • Well that really involved a continued stay in our seats and more pitchers.
  • Memorable Quote: “He tried to bleach the NAMBLA out of his @ss”
But now for what was one of the best parts of the h*sh and what I think will be the most amusing part of this h*sh trash. The fun facts we learned about Just Jean……. And her spontaneous naming!!!!! Just Jean is one of the newest additions to the BH3, but she has h*shed with both the Portland, ME and Baltimore harriers. She is a feisty type who tries to beat up everyone once she’s had a few. She was playing the quiet game to avoid us getting too much dirt on her…. Since apparently there is quite a bit to be found. And most importantly, she isn’t on the list serve yet so we thought it would be fun to share this with all of you now.

Fun Facts:
  • Last night Just Jean was out with some ladies and got into a bunch of “lady drama” instead of joining us for AGM. Instead she walked away with a wad full of $1’s. She wouldn’t divulge further.
  • Recently, Just Jean was approached by a guy with the line: “I have some peppermint schnapps and I lost my virginity while drinking it. Want some?” And it worked! So she spent the evening drinking rumple mintze with the guy and chasing it with monkey bread.
  • Finally, She enjoys tanning naked on her porch with her coffee whenever she can. She is working on her “nipple tan”.
  • This folks is a fun h*sher who you will all enjoy getting to know. We all had been discussing the recent onslaught of spam that the listserve has been getting hammered with, and kept joking about the “Screaming Japanese Girls.” Jokingly we told Just Jean that if she didn’t spill the beans we would have to name her that. She gave a very strong reaction of dislike… and we know how that works in the h*sh. Spontaneous name vote goes out, RA makes a ruling, and voila!
We present to you: *Screaming Japanese Girl* (Just Jean no longer)

Also she then made pouty faces, voiced her indignation, and attacked us with fearsome blows. All of this only further cementing that she is in fact a Screaming Japanese Girl.

Hope ya'll enjoyed this edition of H*sh trash

-the Maid of Honor
AGM 2009 aka Assholes on Ice (almost 9 years ago)
HARES: Goes Down On Buoys, Nice Tits
BAG CAR: My Chemical Homance
PRE-LUBE: The Corner Pub, Leather District Boston
BEER CHECKS: Alleyway in South Boston and Our Lady of Great Sodomy Park in South Boston
ON-IN: Kiley’s in the Horseshoe Pit out back.
SCRIBE: Sugar Plum Fairy
VISITORS: 2nd Cumming’s Hot Mom
LATE CUMMERS: Cums Alone, Crucifux, Jamaican Me Cum and Just Brigid

PACK:
High Anus, Necro Jack, Dick Jockey, I Eat Cum, I Licked Butts, Better Late Than Pregnant, Spank Me May I Have My Mother, Cocktologist, Coochie Monster, Bend Over Mommy, Hare Club For Queers, Peppermint Pussy, Brigham Tongue, Catheter the Great, Dirty Latte Sanchez, The Butler Hit It, The Jizz Mopper, Nipples Erectus, Target Practice, You Oughtta Blow, Fire In The Hole, The Second Cumming, Taj My Hole, Beat By A Girl, No Boner Left Behind, An Inconvenient Poop, Dude Where’s My Virginity, Schindler’s Fist, Dooky
Plows Her VD, I Eat Tea Bags, Sextra Credit. Justs …… Ellen, Katie, Sarah, Raina, Adam and Heather

TRAIL

It was sphincter shrinking time at the Anal General Meeting Hash as we kicked out the old and ushered in the new group of losers we call Mismanagement. It all started at the Corner Pub near South Station in the Leather District. Arriving early I was told that Goes Down On Buoys was, “Out looking for cock.”

I said that maybe he should be looking for chalk as that would be more helpful to setting and marking trail. When he did show up he had his chalk in his hand. No word on his other search.
We circled for chalk talk in the alley behind the Corner Pub which had all kinds of exotics smells.
“I especially love the smell of Urine,” said 2nd Cumming’s Mom. Didn’t know she was into that kind of thing, but then again she is from California and was a Raiderette so….?.

I followed several Zen masters out of the alley way and as they took off for the Boston Common, I shadowed the pack expecting them to go left, which they didn’t. Trail went through Chinatown and took u-turn back to South Station. I could see this from a distance as I took a wide swing around Federal Reserve building assuming the beer check would be under the bridge near the Itching… uh I mean Barking Crab. Trail actually went into the South Station T-stop and came out on Summer street leading hashers over the Fort Point Channel into the Seaport area.

Trail cut across a large parking lot and went back through the courtyard of one of the seaport hotels and came out by the Convention Center. Trail then turned toward South Boston and after a long straight away and a detour provided by I Eat Cum we reached the first beer check in an alleyway behind an industrial area.

Hashers were greeted with all different kinds of microbrews, the kind that makes most people happy and Hare Club sad. Beat By A Girl was also sad because he was hoping for really shitty beer and even threatened to drink a non-alcoholic beer. He was so distraught he went to a liquor store to by some Colt 45 to make up for things.

We must have looked like a gang of meth addicts, because a woman driving down the alley in her SUV and yakking on her cell phone looked up, saw us and immediately backed out of the alley. IEC led the hashers out of the beer check and up toward Broadway which was unfortunate because he wasn’t following trail just making up his own.

Peppermint Pussy, Nipples Erectus and I zenned our way to Telegraph Hill where I saw a rogue arrow courtesy of IEC. I went down the other side toward Carson Beach and realized I had overshot the trail which wound it’s way around Dorchester Street a and deposited hashers in an assphalt park with some benches know as Our Lady of Sodomy Park with a statue of Mary as it’s centerpiece. Surprisingly lightening did not strike anyone.

Trail then made its way to ward Old Colony Ave past a tit check where I sadly missed a pair of perky breasts being displayed. Doh. Almost immediately we were at Kiley’s, a wonderful dive with a horseshoe pit in the back which was perfect for Circle.

When hashers arrived and were fully lubed up, the RAs, a doubled headed estrogen monster known as Crucifucks and Bend Over Mommy called the hairs and outgoing GMs. Nice Tits and Buoys, into circle to place there asses squarely on blocks of ice their to listen to lonnnng drawwwnnn out discussions about how shitty their trial was and to suffer for their years of crimes against Hashmanity.

After we were sure they had frostbitten cheeks, they were kicked out of circle and more asses were placed on the ice for different violations of the unwritten hash laws. At some point Buoys pulled his shorts down and hopped around in the circle. Nobody knows why.

We finally came to the point of this whole nonsense and ushered in a new group of saps that can be blamed for everything that goes wrong this year.

Here now is the list of the sacrificial lambs (including yours truly).

HASH HO – Nipples Erectus
HASH FLASH – Better Late Then Pregnant
HASH DRUNK – Beat By A Girl
MARATHON CHAIRS – Dirty Latte Sanchez and Spank Me May I have My Mother
HOLIDAY PARTY – Pubic Service Announcement and Fire In the Hole
DEMENTING – Bbag and Jamaican Me Cum
BEER BITCH – I Licked Butts and according to my notes, cny
SCRIBE – Me and Maid of Honor
HABERDASHERY – My Chemical Homance
HASH CASH – Nice tits and Taj Ma Hole
RELIGIOUS ADVISORS – The 2nd Cumming and High Anus

Swing Low was sung and we were fed some tasty lasagna, salad and cookies. And that, as they say, was that until next time.

QUOTED

  • “Put the beer down and I’ll grab a load.” Catheter The Great. The look of disdain when she saw me writing this down was priceless.