Boston Hash House Harriers

Hare: Swedish Eagle
Bag Car: Blondie McF*cksalot
Pack: Beeeestiality B4 Boys, Blues Balls Matter, Bum F*cking Vagabond, Chunderelli Chunderelli, Clit Notes, C*ntcussion, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Edward Sissyhands, Extra Terresticle, Fellowship of the Cockring, Full Frontal Fireball, Glutenless Maximus, Holy Dumpster Fire, Jersey Lunchbox, Kneels for Ginger Jizz, Marbleous Asshole, Moaning Lisa, Mudslut, Necrophiliac Jack, No Man on the Moon, Orgasm Famine, Po-po Peepshow, Quarter Mile Queer, Sex the Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, Slothy Seconds, Snatchchat, Spunk in the Trunk, Testicular Mechanics, The Buttler Hit It, Virgin Mimi, Wikipedophilia

Pre-lube: Warren Tavern
Shot check: Little Mystic Boat Ramp
Beer check: Charlestown Naval Shipyard Park
Aquavit check: Nashua Street Park
On-in: Courtyard behind Whittier Place Condos

Another trip around the sun, another Midsommar trail brought to us by Sweagle. A large pack assembled for this annual trail featuring cinnamon buns, pickled herring, and aquavit. Some may have also come to see how Sweagle would follow up last year's spectacle that concluded with a circle around a metal flag pole in a lightning storm and a hare with a gash that would ultimately require 14 stitches.

Ultimately, this year's iteration had a lot less shiggy, a lot more Naval vessels, and about an equal level of inebriation. Comments on trail included more poles, fewer poles, more shiggy, too much shiggy, too long, too short, and bork bork bork. There was no pole at the on-in to do the traditional frog jump dance thing around, so someone stacked a few empty boxes on top of each other. It was good enough. Apparently there was a wine tasting going on at the intended on-in, so the hare pivoted to this random courtyard in Boston's West End neighborhood. It ended up working out quite well for us.

Circle started with the usual--FRB (Marbles), FBI (Blue Balls), and DFL (Spunk); then backsliders (many); and a devirginization. Virgin Mimi, brought to the hash by Snatchchat, hates questions, lives in Quincy, and likes her poles thick and tall. She wasn't worthy but we took her anyway.

Jersey Lunchbox and Glutenless Maximus drank for visiting from Northboro. Hashers who rode a bicycle to the Hong Kong earlier in the day and left it there so it was available to take home later in the night drank for being too smart. Hashers who went over or under a fence drank. Jersey Lunchbox was accused of throwing a stone, I guess, I don't really know. Quarter Mile drank for Butt Pug having sex in circle with another dog, and Po-po joined him.

At some point, a curious local came by to find out what we were up to. People were saying he was security, but from across the circle, I thought he looked like someone who calls into sports talk radio shows ("Joey from Bahhhston, you're on 98.5 the spohhts hub."). Have you ever seen a security person wearing a ballcap, oversized polo shirt, and shorts? Didn't think so. Spunk flirted with him, then he left. Then she drank for letting him leave without getting his number.

Circle started winding down, but not before Glutenless and Slothy Seconds drank for alcohol abuse, Quarter Mile drank for consuming a Gu packet before trail, and the RAs drank for their tag team act (I think all four took a turn leading circle). Testicular was accused of stretching in preparation for a hash sitapede, and he was joined in circle by Mudslut. The two did an interpretive dance (mating ritual?) that I think they were trying to turn into the next Tik Tok challenge. I don't think it's going to catch on though. Testicular then accused everyone who didn't wear a tutu (social!), and Blondie accused everyone who attended a recent SNDT.

As for the announcements, Shortest Night Dumbest Trail is Friday night, Moon is Saturday night, Hong Kong is every night, and KNURD is in one week. That's all, see you next year for Midsommar v6.9 (7.0).

-ET

Hares: Blondie McF*cksALot and Chunderellie Chunderellie
Virgins: none*
Visitor: Salt Lick
Pack: Beeeestiality Before Boys, Blue Balls Matter, Cookies for Nookie, C*ntcussion, C*ms Like Clockwork, Dr. Blow, Dribbles, Fellowship of the Cockring, Frosty the F*ckman, Full Frontal Fireball, GagZZ, Holy Dumpster Fire, Just Colin, Just David, Marbellous Asshole, Mudslut, No Man on the Moon, O’Boner, Popo Peepshow, Quarter Mile Queer, Sex the Final Frontier, Shits and Ladders, Sketchy Ho, Slothy Seconds, Snatchchat, Strap On Strap Off, Testicular Mechanics, Wikipedophilia

This trail was a cluster from before it began. The trail announcement kicked off the mess: the theme of the trail was apparently “we can’t have a bag car because there might be a Celtics parade,” which almost made sense if you didn’t know that Wednesday was only game 3. The hot-messiness portended by the announcement was more than fulfilled by the trail start. The alleged start was Trillium in the Seaport, which was v crowded. Trail start got moved… somewhere? A group of people migrated to Cisco Brewers for prelube part 2, which had marks leading up to it but also a giant “nah” written in chalk. Did the hares mean for people to go there? Who knows. After the light mumblings about mutinying were quelled, the subpack hoofed it over to the (start? first beer check?), where a surprising number of hashers were waiting. How did all of these people know where to go?! A quick chalk talk and pack was on-out at like 7:45. Perhaps the hares were on Hash Daylight Time instead of Hash Standard Time.

Trail took us over what Edward Sissyhands referred to as “Birdshit Bridge,” leading to a wine check/checkback 69. Members of the pack provided the following definitions for “birding” (used in a sentence, “I birded this guy last weekend”):

• chewing food and spitting it into his mouth/transferring a drink from your mouth to his (AKA baby birding)
• giving him a blowjob and transferring his jizz to his mouth (no fewer than 3 people noted that this is called snowballing. Do you people sit around reading Urban Dictionary?)
• having sex and then flying away
• approaching him and flapping your arms aggressively
• shitting on his head (this is still making me laugh)
• watching him silently from a distance for a really long time (my personal favorite response)

If Marbellous Asshole’s counting is to be believed, the pack followed the 67 marks back to the (start? first beer check?) for a nice beer check by the water. The last leg of trail took us by the Gillette Shaving Headquarters (a good place to get rid of unwanted hares!) and ended at the top of the hill at Thomas Park.

Circle temporarily disbanded as distractible hashers tried to peep some fireworks, which were speculated to be a celebration for the Celtics winning (the game had barely started at this point but tracking the timing of the NBA finals is clearly not this group’s forte). Accusations revealed that the hares managed to lose a virgin before trail even started (RIP Snatchchat’s virgin). Shits and Ladders accused Wikipedophilia of marking a check in both directions. Wiki counter-accused Shits of thinking that Wiki was carrying chalk. Frosty the F*ckman recently got engaged (mazel)! Our visitor, Salt Lick, whose Long Island accent was so thicc that Kim Kardashian asked where it got its butt injections, abused alcohol. Just Colin revealed himself to be a Freemason, highlighting his experience in organizations that frequently deny being a cult.

On-after was at Whitey’s. The Celtics won! There was no parade.

On – never drinking margaritas during prelube again – on,
Slothy Seconds

Saturday April 16, 2022

Pre-lube: Lily P’s Fried Chicken and Oysters 

Beer Check 1: Paul Revere Park 

Beer Check 2: Gold Star Mothers Park 

On-in: Dante Alighieri Society of Massachusetts 

Hares: Angry Crotch, Blue Balls Matter, No Man on the Moon, Sh*ts and Ladders, Swedish Eagle, Testicular Mechanics 

Co-chairs: Blondie McF*cksalot, O’bone’R 

Pack: Many (Go to the event website and view the Who’s Cumming list, if you can still find it…) 

For the first time in three years, the Boston Hash was able to host its annual Marathon hash event, this time themed Hashing Through Heaven to Hell. This theme was a nod to the on-in venue–the Dante Alighieri Society of Massachusetts–for it was the Italian poet who penned the Divina Commedia, or the Divine Comedy. The story consists of three parts: Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso, and tells the tale of Dante’s travels through hell, then purgatory, followed by heaven. Not sure what circle of hell he’d have met the hashers in, but if I had to guess, it would probably have been somewhere between the 6.9th one and the circle formed by a hash sitapede. 

Pack arrived at the pre-lube, Lily P’s Fried Chicken and Oysters, dressed as angels and devils and lined up for their giveaways, highlighted by the reversible red and white jersey. (We now have something to wear at the next Capture the Beer hash that will help us tell the two teams apart.) We had some drinks before we were summoned across the street for chalk talk, where we were briefed on the three marked trails–a ballbuster, an eagle, and a turkey. Eagle trail craniumed over the Longfellow Bridge through Beacon Hill toward the Boston Garden and over the Charlestown Locks before arriving at the first beer check at Paul Revere Park. The other trails were not too far behind. Well, not the ballbusters, they were actually way far behind. We paused for a little bit, consumed beverages, then meandered through Charlestown, past Bunker Hill Community College, and to the Gold Star Mothers Park where the hares greeted the FRBs with still warm McDonald’s French Fries. After the second beer check, it was a quick jog to the on-in. 

After a quick dinner, the RAs started circle in the brightly lit function hall. Comments on trail included awesome, boring, too long, too short, not enough ball busters, too much ball busting, not enough turkey trail, too much turkey trail, and many other comments that I didn’t get around to writing down. FRBs and FBIs included sKooter, Roofie, Peepers, Udder, and some guy whose outfit looked like it had chicken feathers glued to it. Visitors were called in next, and they included international hashers, west coast, the south, and the midwest. (Notably neglected was the northeast, Philly, the non-Boston parts of Massachusetts, and New York’s diverse representation that included hashers from NYC, Albany, Syracuse, and Ithaca.) Then the GMs and co-chairs got their down-downs. 

At this point, Sex the Final Frontier drank for alcohol abuse committed when he tossed beer over his cranium in his excitement to photograph the previously accused. Mudsl*t drank for having a muggle accuse her of shoving apples up her *ss (they were pomegranates). Then the McDonald’s shoppers drank, Ate Ball drank for his trail treasure, Cum Test Dummy drank for marathoning on Monday, then all the volunteers drank. But you know who didn’t drink? The virgins! Not sure if that was on purpose or not, but the RAs failed to give Popo the opportunity to properly welcome the two newcomers. Ruh-roh. 

As for announcements, the fatboy on Sunday was announced, as was the beer check at mile 20 on Monday, but those are both in the past now. I’m sure our visitors have lots of events they want to tell you about, and they can add links to the rego pages in the comments. Hash religion was conducted (though I don’t actually think any of us made it to Dante’s Paradiso) then Goat Throat took over the DJing duties for the party that followed. The lights were dimmed, the alcohol flowed, a few ass cheeks were exposed, and a good time was had.